Wednesday, March 17, 2010


this is how i'm feeling.
as if my future is unknown.  i'm stumbling and have no idea what's coming up next.
frozen with indecision.

the program in france (and the year of postponing reality) comes to an end in may. 
i have to return to canada - somewhere.

these past few weeks have been tough. 
it all seemed simpler in the fall.
steve would apply for schools, then we'd move to whichever city the school was in, and i'd 'figure out' what to do once we got there.  he's doing a ph.d, we'd get 5 years somewhere.   plan done.
but the monkey wrench is that the school prospects didn't agree with our plan.  funding has been cut across the continent, and 8 of of 10 schools have sent rejection emails. 
we await the last 2, but the outlook is not good. 
needless to say steve is heartbroken and stressed.  and after wanting this for so long, is left scrambling to plan his academic future. wait a year and apply again? switch tracks and take something else? move back with his parents to save money? do he and i move to separate cities?
another year of limbo.
not that i'm comparing living here to that at all, but i feel, as i'm getting to the 30-side of my 20's, that i'd kind of like to put down some career roots somewhere.  
enter the nightmares of rewriting resumes, cover letters and facing rejection, which ultimately makes me slide into the world of retail that is so 'safe' for me. 
i graduated from a college film production program in 2004.  i worked in film for a while, though never in the big leagues, but i'm just not sure it's for me.  too many long days, not enough job stability, people politics, and i'd like to have a family in the future. 
photography seems like a better path - but is also hugely competitive and unstable.
i do like teaching english, and could see that as an option, but every job posting wants me to have at least a BA.  college diploma is worthless.  another 4 years of school at 27? when i'm not even sure it's what i want to do... ugh.
am i just holding myself back from pursuing photography?
so, that in a nutshell is how the past few weeks have felt.  2 months left to make some major decisions
and our apartment is a giant ball of stress.  not my fave.


  1. You should pursue your passion, Mel. You're a fantastic photographer. Look for a job that will allow you the time to do what it is you love on the side, and maybe, eventually, that's all you'll be doing :)

    I understand the lost, daunting, stressful feelings concerning the unknowns about the future, but I'm sure that when the time is right everything will fall into place and things will be as they should be. And hopefully you'll both be here :D (where you should be ;)

  2. Believe in yourself and the answers will come. I can't promise that they will be the easy answers but listen to your little voice it doesn't lie!

  3. Oh goodness, sweetie! I'm sorry you're having to worry with all this and have all this stress! I'll be praying for you both! Hoping you get some answers very soon! xo

  4. oh boy. big hug from canada! i know everyone always says this, but things really will turn out alright :) i'm very sorry to hear about steve's school troubles, fingers crossed on the last 2! also re: what you should do with your life - i have a feeling you'll see lots of responses on here that tell you to go for photography, you're super talented.

  5. dude,sucks you feel this way, i know what its like to feel like everythings spiraled out of your control but we tend to put ourselves under more pressure by looking at it all in one lump,all the possibilities all requiring answers and thats not how it is. while theres no point denying youve got some big decisions to make just try to approach them one at a time, as they come, support each other and you'll both do ok :) all the best, rob

  6. Only one thing, try to stay positive and think for the best, and good luck.
    Besides, your photo is simply gorgeous :)

  7. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. Those are all massive decisions! I hope you can find the solution that feels right.

  8. decisions are so hard. but just have confidence that you'll make the best choice. there are great things in your future, i'm so sure.

    thanks for your sweet comment!

  9. Best of luck with this very tough decision! Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving me a comment. Yes, I do use pro lenses...I shot this with a 60mm 2.8 macro lens. I think I did a few of them with a 24-70 2.8 mm. Hope this helps and feel free to stop by anytime :)

  10. stopping by from SITS - keeping my fingers crossed that the next two letters bring more promise ... if Steve doesn't get it, my suggestions for him are to start networking the departments he wants to be in... if he can find an advisor who likes his research agenda (or can tailor it) then he would have someone to go to bat for him at the application table... if he concentrates really hard on 2 or 3 programs and really dialogues with the profs and builds rapport, it will go a long way in the process...
    hoping you can find a way to follow both your dreams!

  11. ah i feel your pain. im in the limbo after a B.A. and before (possibly) pursuing an M.A.
    seems like no one else is in this purgatory as they all went right along clickity clack to grad school.
    blah to that. :)
    hope it all works out for you!

  12. I can absolutely relate to this. I thought I got out of limbo, but I just ended up in a different part of limbo I guess.

    Good luck to you, and just have faith that it will all work out. It may not be the plan, but it may turn out better than the plan in the end.

    And just a little unsolicited advice, which you can feel free to ignore:
    I wouldn't pursue teaching unless you were 100% sure that is what you wanted to do. Outlooks for teaching jobs aren't exactly great either right at this time, like you said with all the funding getting cut. If you pursue that path, you will probably end up in limbo again. (I know this as I am a former school district employee.)

    Your bottom photo is beautiful. I love how the red in your hair plays up your skin tone and eyes. Try to relax; take a hot bath, light some candles. It will all be okay.

  13. MEL!! I just wanted to let you know that I drew your name for the giveaway on my blog!!
    Email me so we can figure out the details!

  14. hi :) thanks for you comment on my blog...i can't believe how much we have in common...aside from both being english speakers living in France! I also was deiciding if i should do a BA to do teaching but like the comment above mine says if I don't REALLY want to i probably shouldn't...wise words! Ahhh this feeling of being in limbo is overwhelming! hope you get it all sorted out!
    Bonne journée

  15. Mel, you are an immensely talented photographer. I hope the remaining letters come through with good news - but if the worst-case scenario does occur, I'd definitely take it as some time to further pursue your passion.

    All my best to you and Steve, as always. I know things are rough right now, but I'm sure they'll work out. :)

  16. Sending positive vibes your way...hope everything comes out OK!

  17. I've just stumbled across your blog from someone else's and I really feel for you with this post.
    I am 33 and have had a career since I left uni at 22.
    This yr, my boyfriend and I moved to Vancouver and I have been 6 months without a job and without much direction in life. I TOTALLY know what you're going through with the feelings on instability. It's really hard to not have a plan laid out.
    I'm also trying to decide whether I should pursue a photography career. It's hard going.

    I will say that I'm jealous that you're living in France! Good luck with finding your place.


thank you for leaving a comment! i love to know what you think :)


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